By Rachel Wagner, MSW | March 18, 2025
For more than 20 years, I have been faithfully using and teaching others to use the FLIP IT strategy with children during challenging moments. Now, as I arrive at the ripe old age of 50, I have learned that my life as a professional, a partner, and a parent is made easier and better when I “walk my talk.” The four FLIP IT steps can and have been applied to every relationship in my life, regardless of age. Using FLIP IT on myself and with other adults has increased my empathy, my healthy boundaries, and my ability to collaboratively co-create solutions to life’s challenges. FLIP IT reminds us to “never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved” (Barbara Johnson).
For those of you who are not yet familiar with FLIP IT, it is an effective four-step process for addressing challenging moments with young children (ages 3-8). The four steps are embodied in the FLIP mnemonic, which stands for F-Feelings, L-Limits, I-Inquiries, and P-Prompts.
No matter what kind of challenge you are facing, these four supportive steps can help you identify underlying feelings, establish healthy limits, explore alternate solutions, and gain healthy coping skills. FLIP IT has certainly become my go-to strategy during all my challenging moments. It has helped me with young children (and teenagers!), with myself, and with other adults.
It makes sense, doesn’t it? What works for children often does apply to adults!
Applying the four FLIP IT steps to myself has been the greatest gift. Imagine talking to yourself in a difficult moment with the same kindness and compassion that you would offer a distressed child. FLIP IT is a deeply relational approach that creates safety, optimism, and problem-solving momentum with a child. The notion that we could walk ourselves through the same process is quite comforting. Consider using these four steps during the next challenging moment you have with yourself.
- Feelings: Gently take notice of your feelings and what they are here to teach you. Kindly label and validate the root feeling that may be underneath your behavior.
- Limits: Remind yourself of your own loving limits and expectations for the situation at hand. You deserve to surround yourself with healthy, safe, loving, and consistent boundaries.
- Inquiries: Encourage yourself to think about solutions to your challenge. Ask yourself open-ended questions that will inspire multiple possibilities and healthy problem solving.
- Prompts: Provide yourself with an opportunity to think creatively about the challenge you are facing. Ask for input from others and offer yourself alternative ways to cope or find resolution.
I must admit that talking to ourselves with such compassion can spark some resistance. It is especially hard to do if you happen to have a harsh inner critic rattling around in your head. Our inner critic may be spectacular at badgering us to keep pushing ourselves during tough times, but it also never lets us tend to our wounds or enjoy the fruits of our labor. Using FLIP IT on ourselves can help silence our inner critics and encourage us to foster a more supportive and encouraging inner voice. I would even go as far as to recommend that you talk to yourself out loud during the FLIP IT process using a loving term of endearment.
“Having a term of endearment for ourselves helps to build safety and intimacy in the most important relationship we’ll ever have: us with ourselves.” – Rachel W. Cole
Imagine how regulated and empowered you could be during challenging moments if you were on your own side! Using this kinder voice and the FLIP IT process on myself is what helped me survive a pandemic with four kids at home. I hope it can bring you the same comfort, because I know many of us are finding ourselves more overwhelmed with all that is happening in the world, in our work, and in our personal lives.
Children need us to walk the talk, so that we can be more regulated and ready to support them.
In our professional development offering, titled “FLIP IT x3: Three Ways to Use FLIP IT during Challenging Moments with Kids, Adults, and You,” we teach participants how to apply the FLIP IT strategy across the ages, including how to use it when in conflict with fellow adults. During heated moments of conflict with other adults, we can move quickly to a win-lose dynamic by viewing the other person as an opponent instead of a colleague, partner, or friend. Using FLIP IT can help to create a win-win dynamic. At the very least, offering the four steps to another adult during a challenging moment can help us see the other person’s humanity and control the only thing we truly can, which is ourselves.
“If the other person’s behavior is not in harmony with my own needs, the more I empathize with them and their needs, the more likely I am to get my own needs met.” – Marshall Rosenberg
As I often feel that our world is becoming more divided, using the FLIP IT strategy with other adults helps me approach them with a commitment to dignity and kindness. I don’t think that FLIP IT can change the world, but I can tell you that it has changed me. When I “walk the FLIP IT talk” in every aspect of my own life, I am far calmer, regulated, fair-handed, and creative. I welcome and encourage you to give it a try.
Join us for a free webinar and/or virtual training on this exact topic!
- [Free Webinar] Conquering Conflict within Yourself and with Others Using the FLIP IT Strategy, Tuesday, April 15, 2025, from 1 p.m.-2 p.m. (ET) – Learn more and sign up
- [Virtual Training] FLIP IT x3: Three Ways to Use FLIP IT during Challenging Moments with Kids, Adults, and You!, Wednesdays, May 21, 28, and June 4, 2025, from 1 p.m.-2:30 p.m. (ET) – Learn more and register
