FLIP IT!^® Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

The FEELINGS step can be completed in as little as 10 seconds, BUT if there is real danger, move directly to Step 2 - LIMITS. Revisit feelings once the crisis has been averted.

All children deserve and benefit from having their emotions acknowledged. Even if a child does not or cannot respond, talk about feelings daily. It is very important to narrate children’s feelings and experiences. Keep lending your voice to the child’s experience. Use of pictures, books, sign language, and toys that promote awareness of emotions can help both children who are verbal and non-verbal increase their “feelings vocabulary.” Some children may prefer to point to pictures rather than talk directly about their feelings. (See additional FAQs for suggestions on using FLIP IT with children who are neurodivergent.)

It is okay if talking about feelings is new and/or uncomfortable for you. Some of us have not had a lot of feelings language modeled for us. When you are getting started, have a lead-in phrase that will work in most situations like, “I see you doing ______, I wonder if you are feeling ________?” Remember, less can be more. You don’t need to say much; just say it with kindness. You can also make your feelings statements suit your personal style (e.g., ”You are looking so frustrated.” or “You look heated!” - both work!). The more you practice, the more comfortable you will feel!

Try to describe what you are seeing and hearing from the child and guess what might be the underlying feeling (e.g., "I see your face is getting red, and you are making growling sounds. I think you are feeling angry?”). The act of trying to empathize is just as important for the adult (sometimes more important!) than correctly labeling the feeling. The child will feel noticed and see you are reaching out. Imagine during an exhausting day at work if your co-worker notices you dragging and rather than telling you to “smile” she says, “you look sad.” Even if she got your feeling wrong (you were not sad, you were tired), it means something to you that she cared. You can also simply ask, “What are you feeling?” or “What is happening inside you right now?” if the child has verbal skills. You can also use feelings pictures, charts and sign language to engage a child in exploring feelings.

Sometimes if a child is out of control, the FEELINGS step can be soothing and support regulation. Use a calm tone of voice and validate the child’s feelings (e.g., “You are so angry. I can see from your tight fists how angry you are feeling.”). If talking to the child seems to escalate the behavior, wait until the child is able to hear you. Often it is best to wait for a child who is having a tantrum to calm down before engaging in a discussion, but when giving children space it should be done with love and we should stay close. You can also use other quality soothing and supportive strategies if a child is not ready for FLIP IT.

Great! Use this as an opportunity to talk with the child about feelings. This may be all the child needs from you to help curb the behavior. There is no need to rush to the next steps if a child is ready and willing to talk.

Getting a child’s attention is truly the first step in any effort to communicate. With young children, capturing their interest can often be done with some theatrics. Enthusiasm, changes in tone of voice (e.g., whispering), facial expressions and gestures can work to get a child’s attention. Interesting noises (e.g., bells) and visual props (e.g., puppets) are also useful. You may need to get closer to the child, get on her eye-level or gently touch her arm.

Yes; when more than one child is engaging in the same behavior (e.g., running around the room), they are probably feeling similar emotions (e.g., bored), so go ahead and FLIP the group (e.g., With enthusiasm you might say “WOW, I can see that my friends are getting wiggly and running all around. You all must be feeling bored with this story.”) If there are multiple problem behaviors to address, it is best to start with the most dangerous behavior. Only you will know where you should begin. Use your best judgment depending upon whether there are other adults nearby who can help.

Exploring feelings helps you to get to the root of an issue, so in many cases doing the feelings step will help you get to the facts. With young children, the facts are often less important to the problem-solving process than you may think. Sometimes the fact-finding mission for a child becomes more about blame and punishment than about learning and growth. When teaching children to better cope during times of challenge, it matters less who had the toy first and more about the feelings that motivated the argument. Once we know the feeling, we can then problem solve a better way to cope in the future when we want the toy. Popular problem-solving models that address facts first have proven to be very positive and effective, so please consider using a variety of strategies to meet all your needs.

Let this rejection lead to an open discussion about feelings. At the very least, you tried, and in doing that you have conveyed compassion. Some children seem to prefer to be alone with their ICK, and they will try to push you away with even MORE negative behaviors. Don’t let them keep you away. No child should be alone with ICK for too long. KEEP ON TALKING ABOUT FEELINGS.

Simply saying “no,” especially in situations involving safety, is a normal and appropriate response. As long as you first acknowledge a child’s feelings, an occasional “no” will not cause harm. It can be helpful to rely on a few positive, simple rules that apply across many situations (for example, “We keep each other safe”). You may also choose to reserve a firm “no” for moments of greater danger, as this signals to the child that something is different and requires increased attention and caution.

If you acknowledge a child’s feelings and determine that a limit is not necessary, it is appropriate to skip Step 2 — Limits. In some situations, you may notice what a child is feeling and realize that, while no limit is needed, the child would benefit from additional support through Inquiries and Prompts (FIP). It is also helpful to remember that a “limit” does not always mean stopping behavior; it can simply be a statement that affirms safety or offers reassurance, such as: “All feelings are welcome,” “I am here to keep you safe,” or “In this class, we support each other.”

All children need limits, but those limits should be tailored to each child’s unique developmental level and individual needs. What functions as a limit for a typically developing child may not be appropriate for a child with special needs. Even if a child is non-verbal or unable to respond, it is still important to talk about limits and expectations consistently. Adults can narrate a child’s challenging experiences by naming feelings and clearly stating limits. Keep talking, even if the child cannot or does not respond. This practice of narration often helps adults gain perspective, deepen understanding, and view both the challenges and possibilities through the child’s eyes. (See additional FAQs for suggestions on using FLIP IT with children who are neurodivergent.)

It is appropriate to have a set of “general” limits or guidelines that you apply across multiple children, while also individualizing those limits when needed. Every child is unique, and some children are better equipped to stay within certain boundaries than others. For example, we may expect most children to attend circle time for ten minutes, but for a child with autism or a child with significant ICK, we may instead ask them to try joining for two minutes before transitioning to a quiet activity. Over time, as a child grows and develops new skills, we may gradually increase expectations and adjust limits accordingly. Limits are like goals, and it is important that those goals are achievable for each child. Adjusting limits based on individual abilities and needs is not only appropriate—it is fair. Fair does not mean that everything is equal. These adaptations help teach children about diversity and tolerance, and you may find that most children are far more accepting of differences than expected. If children express curiosity or concerns about differences, consider using the four FLIP IT steps to process feelings, clarify limits, and explore ways to cope with or accept those differences.

When possible, share your positive, simple and loving limits with the other adults in the child’s life (teachers, family members, babysitters) and ask them to be your partners in consistency. When rules in different settings are contradictory and confusing to the child, discuss and agree on a compromise that is in the child’s best interest. Most children learn quickly how to distinguish between the expectations of different caregivers and environments. Be as consistent as YOU can be.

Children will often become angry when a limit is set, because sometimes it is very hard to live with. If the limit escalates the situation, return to a discussion of feelings (e.g., “I can see you are pretty angry about having to follow the rules.”). Once you have returned to feelings, re-establish the limit and QUICKLY move on to the INQUIRIES and PROMPTS steps. These steps let the child know you are going to try and help her find a way to live with the limit, then move forward to something more positive. If your attempts to talk it through continue to escalate the behavior, wait until the child is able to hear you.

It is very natural to say, “Yes, you are feeling angry, but we are friendly here.” However, using the word “but” after a feelings statement can unintentionally negate or minimize the child’s emotions. Most limit statements can be delivered without taking away from the feelings message simply by removing the word “but”. For example: “Yes, you are feeling angry. We are friendly here.” You can go one step further by intentionally connecting the feelings statement and the limit using the word “and” instead of “but”. Using the word “and” communicates that both the feeling and the limit can exist at the same time. It acknowledges the child’s emotional experience while still clearly holding the boundary.

Most children WILL give you a blank stare the first few times you make an inquiry. If there is no imminent danger, let them think for a while before moving on to prompts. The timing of your FLIP IT sequence will depend on the situation and the children involved. Children who do not have experience problem-solving need to know you will support them by allowing time to think. As the child is thinking of possible solutions, you can provide encouragement and you can be thinking of prompts to use if needed.

When children have limited or no language skills, it is important to lend your voice to their problem-solving process. Use the INQUIRIES step out loud to inspire your own creative thinking (e.g., “That noise is really loud and it looks like it’s making you nervous. What can we do to help you with the noise?”). This will help you think from the child’s point of view when she is unable to tell you. (See additional FAQs for suggestions on using FLIP IT with children who are neurodivergent.)

If the feelings are really intense, the inquiry may be more focused on coping with feelings, rather than resolving a situation (e.g., “What can you do with that mad?”). Sometimes addressing feelings in Step 1 – FEELINGS is enough and the inquiry will relate more toward changing the situation (e.g., “What can you do if you want more?”). The child will likely let you know if they need more focus on their feelings or quick help thinking through a problem. Either direction is helpful. Trust that you will decide what is best for each unique situation and adjust when needed.

When a child’s response to an inquiry is inappropriate, negative, or hostile, there are several options to consider. First, you may choose to return to Step 1 — Feelings. If a child begins to shut down or act out during problem-solving, remember that they may be new to identifying emotions, tolerating limits, or generating healthy solutions. You might say, “I can see that my question has made you very angry, and you are yelling. Problem solving is hard.” Sometimes children need more time in the regulation and relationship-building aspects of FLIP IT before moving on to problem-solving. Second, you may choose to rephrase the question. Children often offer fantasy-based or self-centered ideas. Acknowledge their effort and refine the question to help them try again. For example: “Hmm… what else could we try that would be fairer?” Finally, you may decide to move more quickly to prompts. Some children need support imagining alternative possibilities and benefit from the guidance and redirection that prompts can provide.

Certainly; every situation presents multiple opportunities to invite a child to problem solve. The more children practice problem-solving skills, the better thinkers they will be during stressful and non-stressful times.

Practice! Practice! Practice! Offering prompts can be the hardest of the four steps. It requires the ability to think on your feet, which only gets better with practice. Don’t be afraid to be silly. Sometimes the way out of a tough spot is humor. None of us want to be stuck, and a silly idea may be just what is needed to shift gears. You may also benefit from looking at the situation through the eyes of a child. Ask yourself, “If I was five, what would help me feel better?”

Inquiries are open-ended questions to encourage children to think without the help of adult direction. If a child is unable to generate ideas on her own, we move onto the prompts step. Prompts can be leading questions that point the child in a positive direction but still encourage her to make her own decisions. This process helps her take ownership of the solution.

When children have limited or no language, it is important to lend your voice to their problem-solving process. If you are trying to help a child who is struggling with behavior, use the inquiries and prompts steps out loud with yourself to inspire your own creative thinking (e.g., “That noise is really loud and it looks like it’s bothering you. What can we do to help you with the noise? I wonder if some headphones with music would help?”). This will help you to try and think from the child’s point of view, even when she cannot tell you. (See additional FAQs for suggestions on using FLIP IT with children who are neurodivergent.)

Absolutely! Use your environment and anything you can get your hands on to help guide a child toward a solution (e.g., puppets, toys, even pots and pans). Children sometimes need to see it before they can imagine it, so while you are prompting a child, offer visual cues (e.g., While holding a box and nodding your head toward it, ask “Hmmm…I wonder where we could put your castle for safe keeping.”).

Try not to give up! One size does NOT fit all, and you may need to keep on trying. Often a child does not respond to the prompts you offer because they differ from his negative choices. Children who are very overwhelmed with the challenge before them may not accept ANY of your prompts, at which point you should start back at STEP 1 - FEELINGS (e.g., “It doesn’t seem like you like any of the options I suggested. You must be feeling really stuck.”).

The notion that children with neurodivergent brains may be processing emotions differently, expressing feelings in atypical ways and approaching the problem-solving process from unique dimensions, leaves us with many “what if” type questions.

• • What if labeling (assigning or guessing) the wrong feeling is disorienting or harmful to the child who is neurodiverse?
  • What if a child is masking (hiding) their neurodiversity and we miss some of their genuine needs to address feelings like anxiety, fear and overstimulation?
  • What if FLIP IT does not work on obsessive behaviors or perseveration?
  • What if the child’s neurodiversity impacts their attention span and the FLIP IT process takes too long or there is too much talking?
  • What if traditional approaches to problem solving are not a match for how the child is uniquely viewing the problem or the solution?

These are FANTASTIC questions and of course the answers are as nuanced as the child.  FLIP IT has never been a one-size-fits-all strategy.  We have always encouraged genuine child centered individualization.  This strategy requires you to “wrap FLIP IT around a child” so that each step is calibrated to the child’s unique needs.  I always say that every child has their own unique rhythm, and true attunement means discovering their beat, rather than trying to make them follow yours.

The answers to these questions live in details!  Here are some Tips for Using FLIP IT with Children who are Neurodiverse:

• Observe:Truly get to know the child through careful observation over time. The better you understand the child's nuances, the better you will be at labeling their feelings and brainstorming healthy alternatives.
• Connect:Relationships are still the most important prerequisite! Look for ways to connect by meeting the child where they are and trying to understand their individual feelings and experiences.
• Pre-Teach: Intentionally front-load emotion-education during calmer, more receptive moments.
• Adapt: Use adaptive communication tools to support talking about feelings (sign language, feelings visuals, communication devices, etc.).
• Describe:Really describe what you are seeing and hearing instead of simply labeling a feeling.
• Sensory Feelings: When labeling a feeling, consider using more sensory/somatic feelings words, like "whirly," "hot," "buzzing," "flat," and muddy"!
• Shorten:Consider making your FLIP as short and sweet as possible. You can still do a FLIP while reducing the amount of time and talking that typically takes place.
• Outside the Box:Be truly open to extremely unique and different ways to solve problems. What seems odd to you may be just the right thing for someone else.
• Recalibrate:Change your measuring stick of success to match each child’s unique strengths and needs.
• Maybe Not:FLIP IT may not be the right fit for the child. Be open to other strategies, resources, and new research that may change our understanding of neurodiversity.

FLIP IT is a research-based strategy that focuses on labeling feelings, providing limits and engaging a child in problem-solving to learn better coping strategies.  Children with severe emotional and behavioral disorders can benefit from all four of the FLIP IT steps. Children with severe emotional and behavioral disorders will need a variety of strategies. FLIP IT can serve as one strategy that contributes to a plan seeking to increase a child’s emotional awareness and control in the context of a safe relationship. Children who are engaged in ABA interventions should only be exposed to the FLIP IT strategy under the supervision of an ABA expert who can develop a comprehensive plan that blends ABA and FLIP IT.

FLIP IT is a research-based strategy that focuses on labeling feelings, providing limits and engaging a child in problem-solving to learn better coping strategies.  Children on the autism spectrum can benefit from all four of the FLIP IT steps.  The FLIP IT book and training resources offer suggestions for adapting the strategy for children with developmental or language delays.  We recommend using FLIP IT with children with development and language delays through the lens of self-coaching.  Self-coaching with FLIP IT occurs when an adult talks themselves through the FLIP IT process aloud in front of a child.  The child benefits from the adult’s attunement, calm, empathy and thoughtful problem solving.  Children who are engaged in ABA interventions should only be exposed to the FLIP IT strategy under the supervision of an ABA expert who can develop a comprehensive plan that blends ABA and FLIP IT.

If a child is showing signs of more serious mental health needs, it is critical that the child get the support services of a mental health team. FLIP IT may be a helpful intervention but cannot be the only intervention.

If a child is making up stories to keep your attention, then they must really need your attention. Consider reflecting on what the child’s behavior is communicating and try to meet that need BEFORE a challenging behavior begins.

Yes, FLIP IT can be a culturally responsive strategy when it is implemented by adults who are committed to individualizing their approach based on each child’s identity, experiences, and needs. FLIP IT is a research-based strategy shown to increase children’s protective factors, reduce challenging behavior, and strengthen the relationship between the child and the adult. The adult using FLIP IT is responsible for meeting the child where they are emotionally and for selecting developmentally and culturally appropriate limits and coping strategies. This flexibility allows for meaningful individualization and should be implemented in partnership with the important adults and cultural guides in a child’s life. In some situations, an adult may determine that FLIP IT is not the most appropriate response and instead identify the moment as one that requires “taking a stand” or is “better off ignored.” Cultural values and expectations may influence how adults decide which behaviors to FLIP, which require firm limits, and which may be ignored. It is also important to remember that FLIP IT is one of many tools available to adults. While it is not meant to be used in every situation, consistency with any chosen strategy is essential. Additionally, the Inquiries and Prompts steps may be shaped by cultural influences—for example, one culture may value physical affection as a form of regulation, while another may encourage more independent self-soothing. Reflection questions can help adults determine whether FLIP IT aligns with their cultural norms and values:
Do I believe children’s feelings are relevant when addressing behavior?
Do I believe limits are important?
Do I believe it is important to involve children in solving problems related to behavior?
If you can answer “yes” to all these questions, FLIP IT may be a valuable approach to use.

Responding to a single child’s emotional needs when you are responsible for multiple children is a challenge and it is important to be very realistic about what you can handle. Sometimes FLIP IT will not be the right strategy at any given moment even when we know the child in question desperately needs someone to see their feelings and help them learn new ways to cope. Depending on the situation these tips may help: Consider doing your FLIP as quickly as possible, so that you move to inquiries and prompts (solutions) more quickly while still acknowledging feelings. Consider having a plan in place with the other adults in the room so that you signal the need for coverage while you use FLIP IT. Consider including other children in the FLIP IT process for a child (only to the extent that it would not embarrass the child). Other children can be a part of providing empathy and offering prompts and suggestions to the child in need. And if all else fails, try to validate the feelings and make a date to process them later. We know this is not ideal as the child may have moved on by the time you are able to talk, but this is also real life. Be gentle with yourself and know that a little empathy will go a long way.

Many people struggle with giving children attention when they are using behavior that we find challenging. Consider sitting with your own feelings about this before trying to use the FLIP IT strategy. Behavior is communication and as adults we have choices about how to respond. We can get upset, we can punish, we can ignore it or we can try responding to the communication behind the behavior. Getting to the root of what the behavior is communicating is our best chance at learning how to change the behavior. If you believe the child is using a challenging behavior to get attention, then the root of the behavior is a need for attention. The FLIP could sound like this:
F – I see you poking at your brother and looking over to see if I am watching. It seems like you really want my attention.
L – We get attention for positive behavior.
I – If you want my attention, what is a positive way you could get it?
P – Maybe you could ask me for a hug or ask me to play with you?

You may also consider what we call a “pre-FLIP” where we use FLIP IT with a child before the negative behavior occurs. It might sound like this:
F – We are about to sit down to dinner. I know that sitting at the table is hard for you and sometimes you pick fights with your brother.
L – I expect you to sit politely through dinner and keep your hands to yourself.
I – What could help you sit nicely through dinner?
P – Would it help if we moved your seat closer to me or if we gave you some playdough when you are finished so that you can fidget while you are waiting for everyone to finish?