“The biggest deficit that we have in our society and in the world right now is an empathy deficit. We are in great need of people being able to stand in somebody else’s shoes and see the world through their eyes.” – former President Barack Obama
This statement from our former president feels as urgent in 2025 as it did when he delivered it during a speech in 2006 while still an Illinois senator. If you agree but are wondering whether there’s really anything you can do to help reduce the nation’s empathy deficit, I’m here to tell you “Yes, absolutely!” At the Devereux Center for Resilient Children, we help people see that promoting young children’s resilience happens in the most ordinary moments every day. I believe the same is true for empathy. Allow me to explain.
First, we need to define empathy. I like this definition: “Empathy is the ability to emotionally understand what other people feel, see things from their point of view, and imagine yourself in their place. Essentially, it is putting yourself in someone else’s position and feeling what they are feeling (MSEd, 2024).” Before we can expect children to understand the feelings of others, we first need to make sure they understand their own feelings. This learning process starts from the moment a baby is born – yes, that early! A baby who cries is feeling something troublesome. Their caregiver may not understand why the baby is crying but knows that something is wrong. When the adult quickly attends to the baby’s needs, the baby is learning two important prerequisites for empathy: (1) I matter and (2) my feelings matter. When babies learn that they matter and their feelings matter, the foundation for empathy skills is being set. This means that it is never too early to talk about feelings. As you pick up an inconsolable baby, you may say something like, “I am here. I know you are not happy. I know that you are feeling uncomfortable and sad. I am here.”
As you proceed to figure out if the baby is tired, hungry, wet, etc., you may also want to verbalize your own feelings to help maintain your own sense of calm. It might help if you communicate your own feelings with statements like, “I am not sure why you are crying, but I am here. I am going to take some deep breaths to help me stay calm. This is hard for me, and I am doing the best I can.” This self-talk can help in many ways, including showing empathy for yourself! Let’s face it…while caring for a baby often feels magical and awe-inspiring, it sometimes feels exhausting and overwhelming. These are big feelings. Adults in these roles who want to show up every day as the best version of themselves deserve deep empathy! You deserve deep empathy.
When babies experience safe, consistent, nurturing care from trusted adults, they become toddlers and preschoolers who are prepared to take their empathy skills to the next level. This is the perfect time to start building a rich feelings vocabulary, and the opportunities are abundant. Storytime is a great example. Selecting stories that introduce “feelings words” can lead to rich conversations. Children’s favorite characters often find themselves in situations that make them happy, excited, scared, frustrated, shy, etc. Take every opportunity to talk about those situations and learn and share as much as possible. Caregivers who see that reading a story is when learning empathy skills happens are using the most ordinary moments of the day as ideal teaching opportunities.
Children who are learning to share or transition from a favorite activity to a less desirable one often experience big feelings like anger, sadness, or disappointment. It’s hard to give up a favorite toy or end a fun activity. Adults must prepare children for these experiences in advance, offer support and guidance, and make sure that the child knows their feelings matter. That is how children learn! To master the social skills needed to share and transition, children rely on their safe and nurturing relationships with trusted adults who understand that these skills are learned over time.
Child development experts agree that it is around age four when children start to develop perspective-taking skills, understanding that others have thoughts and feelings different from their own. So, while we may not expect to see what looks like traditional empathy skills until this age, it is all the work that we have done up until this time that sets the stage for success. Science clearly tells us that the first years of a child’s life offer the most important window of time to set children on a path to success. This is true for all elements of child development, including social and emotional development. So, as we think about the most effective ways to strengthen our nation’s health and address an empathy deficit, the adults who nurture and care for our youngest citizens have an essential role to play. You have an essential role to play.
If you are convinced and want to learn more, please consider exploring the resources shared below.
- MSEd, K. C. (2024, July 3). What is empathy? Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-empathy-2795562
- Parlakian, R. (2023, June 27). How to help your child develop empathy | ZERO TO THREE. https://www.zerotothree.org/resource/how-to-help-your-child-develop-empathy/
- Lovevery. (2024, May 29). Dr. Becky on the importance of empathy [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nLACmzvzyZU
- Devereux Center for Resilient Children. (2021, February 2). [Webinar] FLIP IT Instead of Flipping Out: You Can Transform Challenging Behavior, October 2020 [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p8itnyaUoqc
By Susan Damico
February 25, 2025
